Time doesn't HEAL wounds, just softens them...

Today is one of those days, one of those days where my mind keeps going back to one thing over and over, my Mom. Every little thing reminds me of her: looking at books with my kids & finding ones she used to read to me, certain foods at the grocery store, Johnny's stuffed dog she gave him, washing laundry of all things, driving her old van & running errands with my kids, eating popcorn chicken while we shop at Wal-Mart. It's strange, I'll just be going along, having a normal day, and then BAM...it pops into my mind, "your mom isn't here, she's been gone a long time, she doesn't get to come play with your little boys, you can't call her for advice, you can't go home for a visit and see her". And you know what, it's not okay, it's still that stabbing pain in my heart every single time, that knot in my stomach, that panic. And then I have to pause and convince myself that it's real, that she's really gone, that I can't just pick up the phone and call her, that my life is on a completely different course than it would be if she were here, that my family is forever changed by her passing. Sometimes I still pinch myself to make sure that I'm awake, that it isn't some long dream that I'm not waking up from. It's still so hard to believe that I'm only 26 & my mom's been gone for 3 years this month! This wasn't something I was supposed to have to worry about until I myself was in my 40's or 50's! How can she miss almost all of my adult life? And all of my children's lives? To be honest, I always thought that my mom would outlive me!

With Nate's birthday coming up I'm reminded of it even more, and I hate that! I hate that my son's birthday will always be associated with the death of my mother. I hate that I can't remember the first months of his life very well. I hate that I took my son son out when he was 2 days old, to a funeral home and to the store to get flowers and picture frames for his grandmother's funeral. I hate that I have no idea where my 18 month old was during all of this, or who was watching him, or if he had any clue how much his life just changed! I hate that less than 8 hours after finding out that my mom was gone, I had to go in to my doctor and tell him, and ask to be induced so I could make it to my mothers funeral and not be in labor, or stuck in the hospital during it! I hate that 2 days after my mom passed away, I checked into the hospital and had a baby! I hate that instead of taking it easy and resting at the hospital, I didn't sleep at all, and less than 24 hours after giving birth to my 2nd son, I went home, packed up my stuff and stuff for the kids, and went to my dads to plan a funeral! I hate that I slept in my mom's room while I was there, and that I had to see her suitcase, still out and packed, ready to drive up to Logan if I went into labor with Nate! I hate that my brother and sister were still living at home when this happened, and what they saw, and how scared they must have been, and having to hear from a nurse at the hospital that their mom was gone! My heart literally hurts when I think of what they went through, and remember the things they told me! It's like this nightmare that you can't wake up from! I hate when I have a funny thought, or my kids do something cute, and I think "I need to call Mom and tell her what Johnny just said.." but I can't! I just hate it! Everyone says time heals all wounds, but it's not true, it softens the wounds, they don't hurt constantly like at the beginning, but sometimes they reopen, and for that time they hurt just as bad, if not worse, than when they first occurred! And all you can do is bear it, and cry...I can't bring her back, I can't change what happened, I can't go back and tell her not to wait and get the surgery, that it's ok if she's not at the hospital when Nate is born, to just hurry and get the surgery before it's too late....

Even with this, I have so much to be grateful for....I'm grateful that even under all that pressure and with all that stress, I was able to get through a quick and easy delivery, and that I have a beautiful, healthy, almost 3 year old. I'm grateful that somebody, was taking care of Johnny through out everything, even though I'm not exactly sure who. I'm grateful that I've grown closer to my Dad and my siblings these last 3 years. I'm grateful for a supportive husband that lets me cry on his shoulder when I'm having a rough night. I'm grateful for a wonderful mother in-law that always listens and offers advice when I need it. I'm grateful for my bishop at the time, Bishop Cook, and his wife, that were there for us throughout everything, and his wife, for helping me at church when we came back a few weeks later. I'm grateful for my sweet visiting teachers at the time, the notes, the phone calls, and the meals, I don't know how I would have survived without them! I'm grateful for kind friends that called and sent cards and flowers, and angels..:) I'm grateful that I have an older brother and sister that came home during it all, and that I didn't have to be the oldest! I'm grateful that my dad is ok, and that he found an amazing understanding woman to be his companion for the rest of his life, that he doesn't have to be alone, and that she is so kind to us and accepts us as her own. I'm grateful that Mary is in our lives and that my children can still have and know 2 of their grandmas!

I guess the point of this was to just get it out, I'm sure I'll have many more hard days this month and in the years to come. I need lots of distractions every May. It feels good to clear my head and write though...I love my mom so much and miss her so much, and I'm so grateful for the gospel and temple ordinances, and the knowledge that I can see her again someday, and my brother and baby sister! I hope wherever she is she knows that, and I hope I can make her proud. Like everybody else, she was not perfect, but she was a good, kind person, we didn't always see eye to eye, but in my few grown up years I had with her, she was my best friend! This wound will never heal....but I can get through it, I'm so lucky to have a Savior that understands exactly what I'm feeling and that I can lean on for support. I love you Mom!